Justification.

Do you feel your life descending into the mediocrity of adulthood like it's that new car smell that slowly, almost unnoticeably, goes away? One day you're driving along and all of a sudden you realize that the carpet has mud on it, there's a fry on the passenger seat, it's already time for its first oil change, and it smells just like your old one. And you can't buy another decade in your teens either, not with all the money in the world. Sure, there's the new phenomenon of a middle-class mid-life crisis, but what does that get you? It doesn't get you your first kiss in the rain or dimly lit and smokey basements. You don't suddenly find yourself taking shortcuts through the park on your bike to get to that Harvey's you and your friends haunt. Nah, it's that new car you couldn't even drive for more than half your life back then, and now you feel edgy because it's a standard. But it's not the same, because the transmission works and anyone knows how to close the door on the first try.

We were carefree, we loved life, we had the future. Now it's a mortgage, a car loan, and a looming economic crisis. Well I have news for you, that property's going to be worth pennies, that cars going to break down before it's paid off, and you'll be thankful for pay-cuts because at least it means you still have that job.

I indulge my senses, a beer and cigarette in the rain, watching the planes arrive. While partaking in my own private hedonism, it makes it harder than ever to say I don't give a fuck. Yet here I am doing nothing, just letting my actions speak for me.

This isn't a battle cry shouting out, "Remember who you were! Try to recapture that!" or, "Realise who you are! Live it!" No, it's a cry of despair at the inevitability of another lonely night and years more to come.