I vowed to not let love control my life and now it's no surprise that I blank on what to write. There's this catch-22, always finding myself caught between "We should get to know each other better, first" versus "I think of you as a friend." It's like on first glimpse I'm not worth it, and on second glance, I'm still not.

This isn't a pity party, because I'm over that. Now my mind is in a zero sum zen state. If there's no winning, then I won't allow losing, either. Instead it's easiest to eliminate all thought: just thirst, hunger and sleep. No more time to write.